If you like someone… just say it!

One of the many myths of the world of relationships that I have discovered on my secret agent missions of late is just how much we think holding our cards close to our chests is a wise move when we meet someone new!

People spend a lot of time trying to be what they think the other person wants them to be, being cool and not saying anything that will give away the awful truth that they are actually interested! We all seem to enjoy the "I don’t need anyone” game. It’s actually this “pretending” that can get quite stressful and create awkwardness in the beginning of relationships. It’s keeping the “I’m not interested” ball in the air that is taking all the effort.

But here's the thing... less than 7% of communication is verbal. Consider that whatever it is you're avoiding saying the other person knows about you already! So there you are putting all your time into avoiding showing how you feel and they know anyway by picking up signals through your body language and tone of voice that you are not even consciously aware of. You could say you’re completely transparent!

So what to do instead?

What is more attractive and endearing is actually being congruent in your communication and say it like it is. It might feel scary and often we become concerned that if we do this "they will think I am desperate!" or "what if they don't like me as much as I like them?" This is only natural as we are often trying to protect ourselves with these thoughts. What actually happens when you communicate what is going on in your head is that you clear out your head space and can be more of your fabulous attractive self as you are not using all your effort on pretending anymore! You might find that once you come clean you are actually less het up about the other person than you thought you were!

We often assume that confident people are not keen at the beginning of a relationship. This is a paradox as in reality truly confident people are not afraid to say when they like someone as they know that if the affection is not reciprocated it’s better to know and it doesn’t mean anything about them. A case of “it’s their loss” and move on.

The Big L advises you to do this with style! Flirt as you say mischievously “Oh I haven’t met someone who I have been as interested in, as I am with you, in ages”. If they run a mile they’re not ready or good enough for you and you can smile to yourself as you move onto the next person having spread a little love and helped the world go round!

Flirt and be generous...

There's something that single people really need to know. The Big L has sent me a message to share with London, the U.K. and the universe. Flirting with others is really THE most generous thing you could be doing this Summer! After all how amazing is it when someone compliments YOU with some attention? Being on the receiving end of delicious dose of flirtatiousness certainly has the potential to make your day whether you fancy the person flirting with you or not!

And what is flirting anyway? Well in a nutshell it's communication. You are relating to the other person and having fun. It's all about being light-hearted, playful and cheeky and most of all friendly. Not only are you telling someone how great they are and what you have to offer but you are also making them aware that you think they're special.

So I have a hunch... if everyone in this city started flirting more, even twice as much, there would be a lot of people receiving more attention... feeling special... and perhaps more able to flirt with the next person! And when you do the maths that could mean everyone will have a lot more fun this summer! Think of flirting as a gift to give someone, one of the nicest things in the world is to be flirted with, right? So give, give, give!

Oh and don't forget that one of the most attractive things in the whole world about someone is.... knowing they like you. So you might find that all this flirting could actually come back on you in quite a nice way ;o)

The messages are out there...

When out here in the world looking for clues I often find that other agents provide them in such clever places! Take the lyrics from Will Young's song "All the time" love. Now bear with me all you cool cats who are reaching for your mouses in disgust as you smell the cheese! Read the words and notice, listen and feel.....

Sometimes you walk by the good ones
Cos you're trying too hard, too hard to see them
And sometimes you don't find the right lines
'Cos you're trying too hard, too hard to hear them........

Some days you're too set in your ways
And you forget to shut up, shut up and listen
And some days you just have to misplace all your mistakes
Somewhere that you won't miss them

Using my special decoding formula from agent HQ I have summised the following messages for the big L.

Stop worrying about being single (you're trying, trying to hard to see them) as you risk being in your own head listening to your own negative self talk rather than noticing others (the good ones walk by). Focus on other people (find the right lines) rather than being concerned with yourself and what people think of you (trying too hard, too hard to hear them). Be interested in other people (shut up and listen) and don't worry about all the baggage from the past (misplace you mistakes somewhere where you won't miss them) as after all you are not your past... it's just stuff that happened once and now you know how to have a different future.

Are there any other messages coming through that I need to decode? Do let me know if you become aware of any...

Have a great week, month, year and enjoy yourself immensley!

Feb 23rd 2006

At the secret agent's of love HQ a.k.a. Making Advances we are finally recovering from Valentine's day hullabaloo. It's been fun using heart shaped clip art and attending singles events in London trying to spread a little lurve around. V. day has never been a big event for me as personally (get ready for it) my relationship is like Valentine's day everyday :o)) However that's just the sort of smug married-ness that would cause some of my single friends to punch me in the face! And that wouldn't really surprise me either as there are a few cases of the Valentine's day blues floating around. For some single people no matter how happy they are with their status there is always a bit of a sting in that marketer’s dream of a day that says to them "you don't have a partner at the moment"

So why am I blogging about this? Well as a secret agent of love I feel duty bound to let my single friends in on the secret that Valentine's day is NOT your friend... sssshhhh don't tell anyone I said this - after all as a relationship coach I might be expected to embrace it! For some people Valentines shennanigans can reinforce the illusion that having the relationship of your dreams is unobtainable. I suppose it could be compared to a lot of other things in this modern society of ours that ensure we are striving... like air brushed shots of A-listers or the latest must have gadget. Constant reminders that there is place to get that is better than where we are right now. If we are trying to get somewhere then we might fall victim to thinking that where we are right now isn't good enough and when it comes to all things love and relationships dissatisfaction with your current situation isn't actually the most resourceful place to be. So what does actually work when you're single at this time of year? Being happy being single and believing that you are God's gift to men or women is just the ticket! If you want to meet someone then being happy being single is the best place to start... it's where we start with a lot of our clients as well.

Well time to go and do what all secret agents who work for the big L (LOVE) do when they are not converting the planet into a big ball of loving human beings... eat pizza!

Toodlepip til next time...

The Secret Agent of Love - Sarah Pridham